Sometimes Showing Up is Enough

There is a saying that goes something like “Do not show up and shut up” while this wisdom may be great for a majority of your life, sometimes showing up is enough.

Recently I have had a friend lose a beloved member of her family to cancer, a friend mark the anniversary of his mom’s passing from cancer and a family member lose her sister because of cancer.

In situations like these, I do not believe it is our lack of wanting to help that stops us but the exact opposite. We want to help so badly but we have no idea how. We see our family member or friend suffering and it hurts us. We want to have the power to say some magical words or perform a random act and take away their pain.

We doubt our ability. We are afraid of saying or doing something stupid so we do nothing because we do not want to do any more harm.

The truth is that we do not need to have all the answers or know the right thing to say, we just need to be there. Sometimes showing up is enough. Stop worrying about knowing the right thing to say just show up and give them hug.

When I went to see my friend at her family member’s wake I had no idea what I should say. In fact I asked her “How are you doing?” yet it did not really phase her. She recognized that I was there when she needed someone and that was enough.

You will have the biggest impact when the biggest gift you give someone is you. We are put on this earth not to be perfect but to give the world the gift of ourselves.

In times of struggle when you have no idea what to do or say, just show up. Everything else will work out, just show up.

There is No One Tip for Success

According to IBISWorld, the fitness industry is a $30 billion industry that employs over 642,000 people¹. A simple Google search of “How to get fit” had over 92 million search results.

Take a look for workouts to lose weight, gain muscle, or get in better shape. There are millions of them out there. If you look at Men’s Fitness there will always be a new workout regimen to get a ripped body. The kicker, there are people that get results and people that fail miserably.

The problem is not too many workouts or gyms but it is that we assume any workout will work for us.  If there was only one way, how the hell can so many gyms exist?

We apply this same illogical thinking to success. Constantly there is a new study that has the one key attribute to a successful life. We study the habits of the extremely successful. What are their morning rituals, what do they eat, when do they get up and what kind of leader are they? Just to name a few. Just because you get up at 4:00 AM does not make you successful. Simply sleeping on the floor of your office and working countless hours will not make you successful as well.

The problem is that we buy into these ideas without thinking about ourselves first. We focus too much on just being successful with defining what it means to us. As an example think of planning a trip to New York with no map, compass, GPS or guidance of any kind. In fact you have no idea where you are even departing from. You may not even have a car or a plane ticket and better yet we may not even want to go to New York, we only chose New York because that is the “popular” place. If you never wanted to go to New York in the first place, you will most likely not be too excited when you get there just as when you do not clearly define what success looks like for yourself.

Here are some tips to reach your own success.

Define Success: If you do not know where you want to go, how will you know when you have arrived? There is no singular definition of success. In fact there is at least one definition of success for every person on this earth.  In order to truly reach success you need to know what success means to you.

Stop worrying about what others are doing: It is rare that you will find someone that has a close definition of success like you do, so stop worrying about how everyone else defines success. Even if you do have someone that has the exact same idea of success, your paths will be different, do what works for you.

Keep at it: You have a higher chance of being successful, the less often you give up.

Life is not a race, stop worrying about who is on the course: I hate to ruin the ending but in the end we all die. No tombstone has “He was better than BLANK” or “She beat BLANK”, stop worrying about everyone around you and focus on yourself.

^{1 http://www.ibisworld.com/industry/default.aspx?indid=1655}

Leaders, Followers and YOU

In a recent news headline, with everything going on in our country, the question was asked if either Hillary or Trump could unite us.

The question really hit home with me. Not because of the choices but because we put so much of our success as a country into just one person?

The question makes me believe that we are throwing our hands up and telling ourselves that we are not good enough or smart enough to come together.

As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink”. Whoever wins the next election can lead us to the source but until all of us and yes that means you drinks, that is all they can do. If they try and force it down our throats they will drown us.

Then it hit me, this goes beyond our political and social environment it affects our work lives as well.

How many times have you silently waited for your boss or president of your organization unite you, while you silently point out all the things they have done wrong and wonder why they have not taken action?

At times leaders have it the worst. They are watched not only by their employees but the board, customers, clients, vendors, partners and competition. Whatever happens is ultimately their responsibility.

I am not arguing that they should not be held responsible or that they should not be a leader that unites people. My point is that we all have a part to play in the future success of not just your organization but your country as well.

We should no longer point the finger at our leaders and blame them for everything they did wrong. They are human and they make mistakes. We need to focus on ways to get past these mistakes and focus on our future if we truly want to be successful.

Here are some tips to help you do that.

Let go of your ego: Your ego wants to protect your image, it is okay to be wrong and it is okay to not get your way. If something happens that you do not like, acknowledge it, deal with it and get past it. Focus on what is best for the organization.

Listen to understand, not to judge: Often times when we listen to someone, we do to help us judge them or respond to them. The problem is that we are not really hearing them when we focused on our respond.

Talk to people that you do not agree with and stop trying to prove your point: Ask questions, value them and learn from them. If there was one simple solution, why are we all so different? Learn from people.

Find what you have in common with people: We are far too often focused on what we do not agree with someone one. “I cannot be friends with blank because they believe…” first listen to them and find out what you do have in common. This is not a free pass for people to be jerks and if you want to try and act like that, please grow up.

Believe that people are doing the best they can: This one hit me hard. In “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown and she talks about this concept and how she struggled with it. She does a great job at explaining it but the message is, see people for who they are not for who you want them to be. No one is perfect and people are going to make mistakes.

We cannot rely on one solo leader because when they step down or die, we are lost. We must be a part of the change that we want to see and support our leaders and sometimes that means taking the first step.

Four Words that Will Change Your Life

“How can I help?” will get your further than you could have ever imagined.

There will be people that will take advantage of you, help anyway. Never let negative people stop you from doing something incredible. Invest and believe in the best.

How will it change your life?

What you put out into the world is what you attract. When you are willing to help others, amazing things start to happen.

It will build your own self-worth. Your life is not just about what you can do for yourself it is also about how you can help others. When you take time to look beyond yourself and help someone you realize how much of an impact you can have on the world and prove that you matter.

It feels amazing. It just feels good to help other people in your life.

You never know how one small act can change your life or the lives of those around you. The world is filled with enough negative propaganda already. We hear too much about all the bad and not enough about the good. It is easy to get depressed because of this. Inspire someone by helping them.

You will lose nothing; we are far too concerned in what we will lose by helping people. The truth is that even if the person you help uses you, you will still come out ahead. You will learn, grow and prosper because of it.

Here are seven tips to make the most out of those four words.

1. You cannot make anyone successful and it has nothing to do with your talent or how hard you try. Success lies with the person that is trying to achieve it and it is a hands-on experience. Do not drive the car for them, give them directions.
2. You cannot help everyone at the same time. Think of it as an elevator. You can cram as many people as you want into an elevator but at some point it will not close, move or it may get stuck. Keep room open.
3. Help people that fill you up and make you happy. Do not spend time with those people that piss you off or make you mad.
4. Do not help out of guilt or shame. These are powerful emotions and if you are doing it just because you feel like you have to, your advice will be worthless.
5. Do good and expect nothing in return. Life does not keep score. I know some of the nicest people that have been through the toughest times and there are people out there meaner than anything you could imagine, that have it all. The point is to stop expecting something in return because that is when you will get nothing and you deserve nothing.
6. Help people but make time for yourself. You do not have to be Mother Teresa. The best way to help other people is to figure out what you want out of your life first.
7. Ask for help yourself, this one was huge for me to get over. I thought that when I asked for help I was letting people down but in reality I was connecting with people and I was showing them that I was smarter than trying to do it on my own. 

The Power of Team

This is a guest post by my friend Aaron Hunnel. Aaron is a public speaker that will help your organization and team members live with positivity, passion and purpose. Learn more about Aaron or how to hire him to speak at your organization at http://aaronhunnel.com/

People are one of the greatest resources we have at our fingertips to help us succeed in life. From the moment we are born into this world until the moment we pass away, we are influenced, affected and changed by people. Understanding this relationship is extremely important. We all have different strengths, talents and treasures. We all have different experiences, perspectives and definitions of success. What sets the human race apart from other species is our ability to look beyond our differences, find our similarities, and come together to support one another. This heuristic approach to life is one of the most sustainable and productive forms of building a community, or more particularly, a team.

Teams are quite commonplace in all levels of society. A band, comprised of a guitar, drummer and singer is essentially a team. An organization, made up of different levels of management, departments, and leaders, again is essentially a team. Take a gander at what a quarterback, wide receiver, offensive line, defense, and coaching staff all have in common – you guessed it, they are all part of a team. See the pattern here? We have teams at all levels of society. You could even stretch this conceptualization of teamwork a bit further and argue that communities, territories, states, nations, continents and even the world is one really BIG team. Some are flourishing as teams, embodied with the collective values and vision to which each member is committed. Then there are other teams, who are struggling, much-in-part because of their inability to find a way to come together.

You’ve probably heard the term before, “A team is only as strong as its weakest link.” Well, I believe that’s wrong, because all members of a team play a viable role in each other’s success. If you believe that someone is your weakest link, you’re likely to treat them as such. This mindset can create an unhealthy dynamic, and put a lot of pressure on the “weakest” to the point that it disrupts the team’s ability to focus on their vision, their values and achieving that which they (the team) want to achieve.

A more appropriate saying would be – A team is only as strong as its ability TO link. That means, a team’s likelihood of success depends on how a team can gel, come together, and use the strengths of each other to create a solid foundation for success. If you focus on someone’s weakness, you are likely to miss their strengths. Capitalizing on strengths are necessary for this “linking” to occur. Here are a couple ideas of how and how not to bring a team together:

1. Understand the following model in terms of how they relate to group dynamics.
1. Forming – This is the initial stage were people in the team start to learn about others on their team. Some may feel a bit anxious about meeting new people or about what others will think of them. As relationships begin to grow, the team will move into the next stage.
2. Storming – During this stage, the team starts to push the boundaries beyond a simple relationship with each other. Authority can be challenged. Conflict is likely to arise. Some may resist the direction of others. Understand that this is all part of the process. One very important piece during this stage however, is that there is some sort of mediation and resolution. Conflict can be healthy, but only if the intent is to resolve said conflict and use it to learn and grow together. Unresolved conflict can lead to various degrees of angst, turmoil and individualism within the team and prolong the ability to cohesively align vision, goals and values. Once a team can effectively surmount conflict, they will gain greater insight and clarity for what they are wanting and move into the next phase.
3. Norming – During this stage, teams resolve to respect differences and appreciate strengths. Cohesiveness becomes particularly strong, and the commitment to each other trumps the commitment to self. As this mindset and dynamic increases and improves, teams move into the final phase.
4. Performing – During this phase, teams begin to peak towards growth and commitment, and performance perpetually increases. Relationships are strong, strengths are affluent, and people are socially driven to perform in regards to the success of the team, rather than perform to the success of the individual.

It is important to note that a team can move between any stages of this dynamic. This fluctuation can be healthy and empower teams to become resilient and develop processes and procedures that help move towards performance, true performance. Many teams are stuck in the norming phase. They cannot move past this phase because there is too much focus on self, a lack of leadership to guide the team, or criticizing others’ weaknesses, rather than recognizing strengths. The most successful teams are fluid and can move between each phase with the understanding, awareness and intention of learning, growing and commitment.

1. Another great concept around developing strong teams is the idea of groupthink. While many of us focus on what we Should do, we must also consider what we Should Not do. That’s where groupthink comes in. Groupthink is an inefficient decision-making process of teams who think that they are invulnerable to poor ideas albeit through a myriad of dynamics, most of which include members feeling that they can voice objections, alternative considerations, or unethical dilemmas. Sometimes groups develop ideas and implementations which result in disastrous courses of action. All-the-while this disaster could have been avoided had team members voiced their opinions. This term, introduced by Irving Janis in the 1970’s, includes 8 symptoms:
1. Illusion of invulnerability – Having excessive optimism in the idea(s) around extreme risk-taking.
2. Collective rationalization – Avoiding clear and present warnings and false or illogical assumptions.
3. Belief in inherent morality – Believing that the cause is noble and ignore ethical and moral consequences.
4. Stereotyped views of out-groups – Constructing negative views of those who are outside the group.
5. Direct pressure on dissenters – Considering those who oppose and argue ideas, stereotypes or commitment in the group as disloyal.
6. Self-censorship – Withholding a viewpoint that contradicts a perceived group consensus.
7. Illusion of unanimity – Assuming that everyone agrees with the decision just because some are silent or do not express discontent.
8. Mindguards – Protecting the group from information which threatens the group’s cohesiveness or complacency.

Examples of groupthink occur all the time, sometimes without our awareness. For example, the tobacco companies made their industry seem like the dangers of tobacco use was inconclusive and prolonged the buy-in from Americans around negative health risk. A more practical example in the workplace could be a manager enforcing a rule that prohibits employees from talking with one another while at work. This example, which falls under the pretext of “Belief in inherent morality,” suggests that employees will be more focused on their work if they don’t speak with others. While this might seem like a noble cause to get the most out of employees while on-the-clock for an organization, one would quickly realize that depriving employees of such an inherent need – basic human psychological need to connect with others – will backfire. And what you would likely find is that whoever is enforcing this illogical system has put into place a dynamic where team members are afraid to speak their mind for fear of retaliation (self-censorship) and also does not take input from those outside the group who provides negative, constructive feedback (stereotyped views of out-groups) on the secondary and tertiary consequences of this disastrous action. Consequently, the group will become less productive, have greater frustration, and not support their manager- thus failing as a team.

So how can you avoid the product of groupthink? Try the following:

1. Explicitly emphasize team members to remain impartial
2. Encourage disagreement
3. Assign a team member to be the “devil’s advocate”
4. Ask for outside opinion
5. Encourage discussion outside of the meeting
6. Ask for everyone’s true opinion and value their input

Teamwork is often seen as something that is extremely difficult or hard because of the work it requires to bring people together. Some of us say, all I can focus on is myself. Well, that mindset will counter any ability to increase group cohesiveness. Remember the best teams are those who find a way to put their differences aside, and find the similarities which bring them together. It may be challenging at first, especially if you have a dynamic that has poor, highly-engrained processes and procedures. But, often the hardest things are the most rewarding. Use the strengths of each other. Find the best attributes of one another. Communicate, communicate, communicate by listening first, and talking second. Above all, don’t focus on your weakest link, rather focus on THE link that will empower members of the team to rise above themselves, buy into the collective vision and values, and embark upon the journey as a single unit, a team. 

Six Tips to Make the Most Out of Advice

Advice, criticism, feedback or whatever you call it is one of the biggest opportunities for us to grow, yet we do not take advantage of it often enough. Here are six tips to make the most of the advice you receive.

1. Do not take it personally: This is hard to do and it is the extremely important. The advice, feedback and criticism can be hard to take at times. We are being told that we can improve which for many of us comes off as us being inadequate and not enough. Acknowledge these feelings but do not dwell on them. These people are not trying to make you feel bad they are trying to help you. Figure out how you can use the advice that you have been given.
   
2. Stop seeing it as a negative: Everyone can improve, no matter how successful they are. There is no end to improving. Instead of seeing it as a place where you are inadequate see it as an opportunity to grow and become even better.
   
3. Take immediate action: Change is hard and it only gets harder the more you put it off. There will always be another “tomorrow”. Taking immediate action will start you on the path to becoming the best version of yourself. It sounds scary but it is one step. You do not have to know every step. You just need the courage to take the first step and your destination in mind.
   
4. Take at least one step every day. Success is not stationary, it moves. If you have ever tried to climb up an escalator that is going down you know what success is. If you take it step by step, you will eventually get to the top but if you just stand there, you are going to keep going lower and lower and you will then have that much more ground to cover. Success is attainable but it requires movement and the more you do the better off you are
   
5. Ask for advice before it is given to you: Be proactive in your pursuit of being even more kick ass. Focus on how you can get even better. Take control of your future.
   
6. Be grateful for the people that give you advice: In one of my first jobs out of college, I had managers that would not give me feedback no matter how much I asked for it. It sucked. In other jobs I had managers that gave me advice even when I did not ask for it. If I had to make a choice I would choose getting advice. When someone gives you advice and truly means it, it is one of the biggest compliments that you can ever receive. They are investing their valuable time in you. What is better proof of how worthy you are and how valuable you are than someone taking time out of their day to help you become even more kick ass?

Why

I started this blog for a few reasons. First I want to help people from regretting what they did not do. I do not want anyone to ever to be on their death bed and utter the words, I wish I would have. I also want people to know that no matter what they will always have someone in their corner cheering them on to kick ass, live life to the fullest and experience everything that life has to offer.

The biggest mistake we make is that we never actually live. We put limits on ourselves. We do not have the time. We are not good enough. We could never become as great as we want to be. We believe the lies. You will never be completely ready, you are going to fail and it will hurt but it is worth it. Call me stupid (you wouldn’t be the first) but I would much rather try something once, realize I hate it than to never have tried it.

You can make up for what you did do but you cannot make up for what you did not do.

I want to put the fire back in people that society put out. I have witnessed the awesome power that comes when a fire is lit and the devastating effects when a fire is put out. As bad as society can be, there are people out there that will help keep your fire going. I know because everyone in my life has been there for me and I want to be there for you.

I have never had someone in my life that has told me to stop dreaming or to limit my dreams. I never have once have told someone my dream and my next big idea and have them laugh in my face and tell me how stupid I was and how pointless it was to try.

I see and hear stories of people being limited by their “friends” and their “family”. What was supposed to be their main support group is now their biggest critics. They tell them to limit their beliefs because what they wanted to do was crazy, it insane or stupid.

It frustrates. People have no right to limit your greatness.

The world is full of opportunities and all we just need the courage to take them. It is scary to look at yourself in the mirror and believe that you can do whatever you want. It is so much easier to belittle yourself into a person that means nothing and can do nothing. It gets easier because we now have an excuse to give up, to give in and to not see the light. While it may be easier it is barely worth it. Trust me I know. It is not starting or failing that we are afraid of but it is the belief in ourselves that we are good enough to even attempt it. To build up enough courage to even think about starting. I want to help people start something amazing in their life.

My question to you is how can I help you live an amazing live. Let me know in the comment section or email me at adam.lofquist@gmail.com